It’s Complicated: Great Memoirs of Difficult Parent-Child Relationships

we survived the night by Julian Brave NoiseCat

Julian Brave NoiseCat's childhood was rich with culture and contradictions. When his Native American father, an artist haunted by a turbulent past, abandoned the family, NoiseCat and his non-Native mother were embraced by the urban Native community in Oakland, California, as well as by family on the Canim Lake Indian Reserve in British Columbia. In his father's absence, NoiseCat immersed himself in Native history and culture to understand the man he seldom saw--his past, his story, where he came from--and, by extension, himself. Years later, NoiseCat sets out across the continent to correct the erasure, invisibility, and misconceptions surrounding the First Peoples of this land as he develops his voice as a storyteller and artist. Told in the style of a "Coyote Story," a legend about the trickster forefather of NoiseCat's people who was revered for his wit and mocked for his tendency to self-destruct, NoiseCat paints a profound and unforgettable portrait of contemporary Indigenous life, alongside an intimate and deeply powerful reckoning between a father and a son. A soulful, daring, and indelible work from an important new voice.

american daughter by Stephanie Thornton Plymale

For years, Stephanie Plymale, successful CEO and interior designer, kept her past a fiercely guarded secret. Only her husband knew that her childhood was fraught with every imaginable hardship: neglect, hunger, poverty, homelessness, truancy, foster homes, a harrowing lack of medical care, and worse. Stephanie, in turn, knew very little about the past of her mother, who was in and out of jails and psych wards for most of Stephanie's formative years. All this changed when a series of shocking revelations forced Stephanie to revisit her tortured past and revise the meaning of every aspect of her compromised childhood. American Daughter is the extraordinary true story of a young girl growing up on the wrong side of the American Dream. Stephanie has slept in blankets on the floor of crowded apartments, lived in the back seat of a car with her siblings, and spent decades looking over her shoulder at a mother who might just as easily hug or harm her. American Daughter is at once a moving account of a troubled mother-daughter relationship and a meditation on resilience, transcendence, and ultimately, redemption.

memorial drive by Natasha D. Trethewey

At age nineteen, Natasha Trethewey had her world turned upside down when her former stepfather shot and killed her mother. Grieving and still new to adulthood, she confronted the twin pulls of life and death in the aftermath of unimaginable trauma and now explores the way this experience lastingly shaped the artist she became. Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Natasha Trethewey explores this profound experience of pain, loss, and grief as an entry point into understanding the tragic course of her mother's life and the way her own life has been shaped by a legacy of fierce love and resilience. Moving through her mother's history in the deeply segregated South and through her own girlhood as a "child of miscegenation" in Mississippi, Trethewey plumbs her sense of dislocation and displacement in the lead-up to the harrowing crime that took place on Memorial Drive in Atlanta in 1985.

i'm glad my mom died by Jennette McCurdy

Jennette McCurdy was six years old when she had her first acting audition. Her mother's dream was for her only daughter to become a star, and Jennette would do anything to make her mother happy. So she went along with what Mom called "calorie restriction," eating little and weighing herself five times a day. She endured extensive at-home makeovers while Mom chided, "Your eyelashes are invisible, okay? You think Dakota Fanning doesn't tint hers?" She was even showered by Mom until age sixteen while sharing her diaries, email, and all her income. Jennette recounts all this in unflinching detail--including what happens when the dream finally comes true. Cast in a new Nickelodeon series called iCarly, she is thrust into fame. Though Mom is ecstatic, emailing fan club moderators and getting on a first-name basis with the paparazzi ("Hi Gale!"), Jennette is riddled with anxiety, shame, and self-loathing, which manifest into eating disorders, addiction, and a series of unhealthy relationships. These issues only get worse when, soon after taking the lead in the iCarly spinoff Sam & Cat alongside Ariana Grande, her mother dies of cancer. Finally, after discovering therapy and quitting acting, Jennette embarks on recovery and decides for the first time in her life what she really wants. Told with refreshing candor and dark humor, this is an inspiring story of resilience, independence, and the joy of shampooing your own hair.

somebody's daughter by Ashley C. Ford

Through poverty, adolescence, and a fraught relationship with her mother, Ashley C. Ford wishes she could turn to her father for hope and encouragement. There are just a few problems: he's in prison, and she doesn't know what he did to end up there. She doesn't know how to deal with the ceaseless worries that keep her up at night, or how to handle the changes in her body that draw unwanted attention from men. In her search for unconditional love, Ashley begins dating a boy her mother hates. When the relationship turns sour, he assaults her. Then, her grandmother reveals the truth about her father's incarceration . . . and Ashley's entire world is turned upside down. This harrowing memoir depicts the world of growing up a poor Black girl in Indiana with a family fragmented by incarceration, exploring how isolating and complex such a childhood can be. As Ashley embarks on a powerful journey to find the threads between who she is and what she was born into, and the complicated familial love that often binds them.

a silent treatment by Jeannie Vanasco

Jeannie Vanasco's mother starts using the silent treatment not long after moving into the renovated apartment within Jeannie's home. The silences begin at any perceived slight. Her shortest period of silence lasts two weeks. Her longest, six months. As Vanasco guides us through her mother's childhood, their shared past, and the devastating silence of their present, she paints a layered, complicated portrait of a mother and daughter looking, failing, and--in big and small ways--succeeding to understand each other. In the margins of her research, at her kitchen table with her partner, in phone calls to friends, and in delightful hey google queries, Vanasco explores the loneliness and isolation of silence as punishment, both in her own life and beyond it, and confronts her greatest fear: that her mother will never speak to her again.

hey, kiddo by Jarrett Krosoczka

In kindergarten, Jarrett Krosoczka's teacher asks him to draw his family, with a mommy and a daddy. But Jarrett's family is much more complicated than that. His mom is an addict, in and out of rehab, and in and out of Jarrett's life. His father is a mystery -- Jarrett doesn't know where to find him, or even what his name is. Jarrett lives with his grandparents -- two very loud, very loving, very opinionated people who had thought they were through with raising children until Jarrett came along. Jarrett goes through his childhood trying to make his non-normal life as normal as possible, finding a way to express himself through drawing even as so little is being said to him about what's going on. Only as a teenager can Jarrett begin to piece together the truth of his family, reckoning with his mother and tracking down his father. Hey, Kiddo is a profoundly important memoir about growing up in a family grappling with addiction, and finding the art that helps you survive.

i can fix this by Kristina Kuzmič

When Kristina Kuzmič started to see signs that her otherwise sunny, resilient teenage son was struggling, she was sure a few simple fixes could right the ship. But over the following months, the issues her family faced became more nuanced, complicated, and pervasive than she could've predicted--and what began as a clear to do list spiraled into an emotionally fraught and seemingly endless push and pull between signs of progress and overwhelming fear. Despite her best efforts, Kuzmič had internalized a set of obligations, ideas, and unrealistic standards from parenting culture and social media that left her unprepared to guide her child when he needed her most. Featuring an urgent and affirming foreword by renowned and New York Times bestselling clinician Dr. Shefali Tsabary--Kuzmič's new book debunks ten "parenting truths" that kept her in crisis, and delves into her insecurities and the mistakes she made to reveal invaluable lessons and transformative approaches that worked. While her family stands on the other side now stronger than ever, Kuzmič's journey calls to parents who have felt the instinct to say "I can fix this" in situations where good intentions far exceed our abilities to enact change.

Book Jacket: Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?

can't we talk about something more pleasant? by Roz Chast

In her first memoir, Roz Chast brings her signature wit to the topic of aging parents. Spanning the last several years of their lives and told through a mixture of cartoons, family photos, documents, and a narrative as rife with laughs as it is with tears, Chast's memoir is both comfort and comic relief for anyone experiencing the life-altering loss of elderly parents. When it came to her elderly mother and father, Roz held to the practices of denial, avoidance, and distraction. But when Elizabeth Chast climbed a ladder to locate an old souvenir from the "crazy closet"--With predictable results -- the tools that had served Roz well through her parents' seventies, eighties, and into their early nineties could no longer be deployed. While the particulars are Chast-ian in their idiosyncrasies -- an anxious father who had relied heavily on his wife for stability as he slipped into dementia and a former assistant principal mother whose overbearing personality had sidelined Roz for decades -- the themes are universal: adult children accepting a parental role; aging and unstable parents leaving a family home for an institution; dealing with uncomfortable physical intimacies; managing logistics; and hiring strangers to provide the most personal care.

bettyville by George Hodgman

When George Hodgman leaves Manhattan for his hometown of Paris, Missouri, he finds himself--an unlikely caretaker and near-lethal cook--in a head-on collision with his aging mother, Betty, a woman of wit and will. Will George lure her into assisted living? When hell freezes over. He can't bring himself to force her from the home both treasure--the place where his father's voice lingers, the scene of shared jokes, skirmishes, and, behind the dusty antiques, a rarely acknowledged conflict: Betty, who speaks her mind but cannot quite reveal her heart, has never really accepted the fact that her son is gay. As these two unforgettable characters try to bring their different worlds together, Hodgman reveals the challenges of Betty's life and his own struggle for self-respect, moving readers from their small town--crumbling but still colorful--to the star-studded corridors of Vanity Fair. Evocative of The End of Your Life Book Club and The Tender Bar, Hodgman's New York Times bestselling debut is both an indelible portrait of a family and an exquisitely told tale of a prodigal son's return.

north of normal by Cea Sunrise Person

Determined to abandon civilization for a hand-to-mouth existence in the wild, Cea Sunrise Person's charismatic grandfather Papa Dick uproots the Person clan from suburban California to the forests of Canada in the late 1960s, when she is just a baby. Together with her teenage mother, Michelle, Cea will spend the next decade of her life living in and out of canvas tipis with neither electricity nor running water, at the mercy of fierce storms, food shortages, and an array of grown-ups more interested in having a groovy time than in parenting a child. For Michelle, though, one crucial element is missing: a man. When she strikes out to look for love, spinning from one boyfriend to the next, Cea is forced along for the ride--and into a harsh awakening. Consumed by a desire for a more normal life, she begins to question both her highly unusual world and the hedonistic woman at its center. But the escape she finds, through a career as an internationally successful model, brings its own challenges. Shocking, heartbreaking, yet often funny and infused with warmth toward her damaged family, this riveting memoir of growing up off the grid (amid multiple generations of dysfunction) describes Person's journey to reclaim her life on her own terms.

filthy beasts by Kirkland Hamill

"Running with Scissors" meets "Grey Gardens" in this riveting riches-to-rags tale of a wealthy family who lost it all and the journey of a man coming to terms with his family's deep flaws and his own hidden secrets. "Wake up, you filthy beasts!" Wendy Hamill would shout to her children in the mornings before school. Startled from their dreams, Kirk and his two brothers couldn't help but wonder--would they find enough food in the house for breakfast? Following a hostile exit from New York's upper-class society, newly divorced Wendy and her three sons are exiled from the East Coast elite circle. Wendy's middle son, Kirk, is eight when she moves the family to her native Bermuda, leaving the three young boys to fend for themselves as she chases after the highs of her old life: alcohol, a wealthy new suitor, and other indulgences. After eventually leaving his mother's dysfunctional orbit for college in New Orleans, Kirk begins to realize how different his family and upbringing is from that of his friends and peers. Split between rich privilege--early years living in luxury on his family's private compound--and bare survival--rationing food and water during the height of his mother's alcoholism--Kirk is used to keeping up appearances and burying his inconvenient truths from the world, until he's eighteen and falls in love for the first time. A keenly observed, fascinating window into the life of extreme privilege and a powerful story of self-acceptance, and how we outlive our upbringing.

Book Jacket: You Don't Have to Say You Love Me

you don't have to say you love me by Sherman Alexie

Family relationships are never simple. But Sherman Alexie's bond with his mother Lillian was more complex than most. She plunged her family into chaos with a drinking habit, but shed her addiction when it was on the brink of costing her everything. She survived a violent past, but created an elaborate facade to hide the truth. She selflessly cared for strangers, but was often incapable of showing her children with the affection that they so desperately craved. She wanted a better life for her son, but it was only by leaving her behind that he could hope to achieve it. It's these contradictions that made Lillian Alexie a beautiful, mercurial, abusive, intelligent, complicated, and very human woman. When she passed away, the incongruities that defined his mother shook Sherman and his remembrance of her. Grappling with the haunting ghosts of the past in the wake of loss, he responded the only way he knew how: he wrote. The result is a stunning memoir filled with raw, angry, funny, profane, tender memories of a childhood few can imagine, much less survive. An unflinching and unforgettable remembrance, You Don't Have to Say You Love Me is a powerful, deeply felt account of a complicated relationship.

small fry by Lisa Brennan-Jobs

Born on a farm and named in a field by her parents―artist Chrisann Brennan and Steve Jobs―Lisa Brennan-Jobs's childhood unfolded in a rapidly changing Silicon Valley. When she was young, Lisa's father was a mythical figure who was rarely present in her life. As she grew older, her father took an interest in her, ushering her into a new world of mansions, vacations, and private schools. His attention was thrilling, but he could also be cold, critical and unpredictable. When her relationship with her mother grew strained in high school, Lisa decided to move in with her father, hoping he'd become the parent she'd always wanted him to be. Part portrait of a complex family, part love letter to California in the seventies and eighties, Small Fry is a poignant coming-of-age story from one of our most exciting new literary voices.

destroy this house by Amanda Uhle

The Long family's love was fierce, their lifestyle bizarre, and their deceptions countless. Once her parents were gone, Amanda Uhle realized she was closer to them than anyone else, yet she found herself utterly confounded by the lives they had led. Amanda's striving fashion designer mother and her charismatic wheeler-dealer father wove a complex life together that spanned ten different homes across five states over forty perplexing years. Throughout her childhood, as her mother's hoarding disorder flourished and her father's schemes crumbled, contradictions abounded. They bartered for dental surgery and drove their massive Lincoln Town Car to the food bank. When financial ruin struck, they abandoned their repossessed mansion for humble parish housing, and Amanda's father became a preacher. They swung between being filthy rich and dirt poor, devious and virtuous, lonely and loved, fake and real. In Destroy This House, Amanda sets out to document her parents' unbelievable exploits and her own hard-won escape into independence. With humor and tenderness, Uhle has crafted a heartfelt and utterly unique memoir, capturing the raucousness, pain, joy, and ultimately, the boundless love that exists between all parents and children.

Book Jacket: Learning Joy From Dogs Without Collars

learning joy from dogs without collars by Lauralee Summer

At 17, Summer won a wrestling scholarship to Harvard after spending much of her life as a homeless child. She became a media sensation for two stories: girl wrestler makes the boys' team was one, but that couldn't top "Homeless to Harvard." Now, at 25, she tells the darker side of the myth in this groundbreaking memoir. She tells her story without pretentiousness or self-pity, honest about her shame, rage, and loyalty to her mother, factual about the physical reality of always moving. Just as compelling as the unhoused child story is the Harvard student experience: all those self-congratulatory diversity groups hadn't reckoned on a member who wasn't even working class but "welfare class." Her search for the dad who abandoned her is a dramatic quest story in itself. But perhaps the most searing episode is Parents' Weekend at college, when Mom arrives from the shelter with all her bags of stuff. This is an unforgettable Cinderella story without a savior prince.

lucky girl by Mei-Ling Hopgood

In 1974, a baby girl from Taiwan arrived in America, the newly adopted child of a loving couple in Michigan. Mei-Ling Hopgood had an all-American upbringing, never really identifying with her Asian roots or harboring a desire to uncover her ancestry. She believed that she was lucky to have escaped a life that was surely one of poverty and misery, to grow up comfortable with her doting parents and brothers. Then, when she's in her twenties, her birth family comes calling. Not the rural peasants she expected, they are a boisterous, loving, bossy, complicated middle-class family who hound her (in a language she doesn't understand) daily by phone, fax, and letter, until she returns to Taiwan to meet them. As her birth family sisters and parents pull her into their lives, claiming her as one of their own, the devastating secrets that still haunt this family begin to emerge. Spanning cultures and continents, "Lucky Girl" brings home a tale of joy and regret, hilarity, deep sadness, and great discovery as the author untangles the unlikely strands that formed her destiny.

she left me the gun by Emma Brockes

Emma Brockes grew up hearing only pieces of her mother's past--stories of Paula's rustic childhood in South Africa, glimpses of a bohemian youth in London-- knowing that crucial facts were still in the dark. Paula was a strong, self-invented woman, glamorous and frequently out of place in their quaint English village. Looking to unearth the truth after Paula's death, Emma digs into the life her mother fled from and learns that Paula's father was a drunk megalomaniac who terrorized Paula and her seven half-siblings for years. After mustering the courage to take her father to court, Paula is horrified to see him vindicated of all charges. This crushing defeat left Paula with a choice: take her own life or find a way to never to be intimidated again. Ultimately, she chooses life and books one-way passage to London--but not before shooting her father five times and failing to kill him. Smuggling the fateful gun through English customs would be Paula's first triumph in her new life. Emma travels to South Africa to meet her seven aunts and uncles. There, she learns of the violence and racial propaganda in which her grandfather was raised and discovers court records proving his murder conviction years before he first married. Brockes also learns of the stepmother who may have perjured herself to save her husband, dooming Paula and her siblings to the machinations of their hated father. Emma also finds the wellsprings of her mother's strength and endurance which allowed Paula to hide terrible secrets from even her closest friends and family. This beguiling memoir chronicles Emma's efforts to walk the knife-edge between understanding her mother's unspeakable traumas and embracing the happiness she chose for her daughter.

coming clean by Kimberly Rae Miller

Kim Miller is an immaculately put-together woman with a great career, a loving boyfriend, and a tidy apartment on Manhattan's Upper West Side. You would never guess that Kim grew up behind the closed doors of her family's idyllic Long Island house, navigating between teetering stacks of aging newspapers, broken computers, and boxes upon boxes of unused junk festering in every room--the product of her father's painful and unending struggle with hoarding. In this moving coming-of-age story, Kim brings to life her rat-infested home, her childhood consumed by concealing her father's shameful secret from friends, and the emotional burden that ultimately led to an attempt to take her own life. And in beautiful prose, Miller sheds light on her complicated yet loving relationship with her parents that has thrived in spite of the odds. Coming Clean is a story about recognizing where we come from and the relationships that define us--and about finding peace in the homes we make for ourselves.

closing time by Joe Queenan

Joe Queenan's acerbic riffs on movies, sports, books, politics, and many of the least forgivable phenomena of pop culture have made him one of the most popular humorists and commentators of our time. In Closing Time Queenan turns his sights on a more serious and personal topic: his childhood in a Philadelphia housing project in the early 1960s. By turns hilarious and heartbreaking, "Closing Time" recounts Queenan's Irish Catholic upbringing in a family dominated by his erratic father, a violent yet oddly charming emotional terrorist whose alcoholism fuels a limitless torrent of self-pity, railing, destruction, and late-night chats with the Lord Himself. With the help of a series of mentors and surrogate fathers, and armed with his own furious love of books and music, Joe begins the long flight away from the dismal confines of his neighborhood-with a brief misbegotten stop at a seminary-and into the wider world. Queenan's unforgettable account of the damage done to children by parents without futures and of the grace children find to move beyond these experiences will appeal to fans of Augusten Burroughs and Mary Karr, and will take its place as an autobiography in the classic American tradition.

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